thy will be dunning

I've been waiting over a year. Ever since the Internet Movie Database revealed that Douglas would be portraying "McDowell" in Henry Jaglom's film HOLLYWOOD DREAMS, I've been on pins and needles. Because of this film, Douglas was signed by the William Morris Agency.

So tonight I finally saw it. And wouldn't you know it, Fag-lom turned out to be worse as a director even than Hack-tanaka. For he deleted Douglas out of the movie entirely!

Now I'll never know what kind of character "McDowell" would have been. It's a Scots-Irish surname, while Douglas is English, and his ancestors conquered both. I would like to have seen what acting choices he could have made to bridge that divide.

But I never will. Worse, Faglom's movie features homosexual "marriage," a Jewish female lead who looks like Barbra Streisand, and a male lead who pretends to be "gay" so as to gain better employment. On the heels of the Republican election losses, this is just too much to take.

Since Douglas couldn't possibly have been lying about being in the movie -- the only lie he's ever told was something like "That's not my body odor, it's just my cologne!" -- I must assume that Jaglom was the liar. For shame, for shame.

Have you read what the Torah says about homosexuality, Henry?

I know some of the rumors I've posted here have later turned out to be untrue. Nonetheless, I have good sources on this one.

Here's the complete email message from my source, "Deep Stench":

Douglas has been arrested. It seems he was pulled off the bus by police officers who considered him a suspect in a bomb threat plot. Rather than use his English charm, Douglas went the other direction and punched one of the cops in the face, so I'm told.

This got him a night in county jail, where, apparently, he was held down as a mask was placed on his face and several homosexual rapists tried to have their way with him. No word on whether or not they succeeded, but Double-D has since been released, and apparently has bruises and welts along his neck and shoulders.

If Douglas doesn't want to be suspected of being a terrorist by the notoriously racist LAPD, he should TAKE A SHOWER SOMETIME. You'd never know he was caucasian, with all the layers of dirt he's accumulated over the years.

I always thought the poor personal hygiene was consciously calculated to deter would-be rapists, but apparently it doesn't work to those ends either.

I've been following Douglas's rather erratic myspace profile, which may or may not have been hacked by an alleged "producer," and have noticed that he (or the impostor) recently placed a slogan up there "So Dark the Con of Douglas."

Is this, like The Da Vinci Code, a clue to some deep, dark secret? I tried to make an anagram of it but the only Internet site I could find that does that says it has too many letters.

"Glass Carkoon Of Dethfoudd?" Nahh, don't think so.

Douglas has said in the past that he is a con man. We know full well that his last name really isn't "Dunning."

But how dark could his con possibly be? Certainly darker than his feeble excuses about his body odor actually being some kind of exotic cologne.

It couldn't be...could it? Is he a good enough actor to pull it off?

Is it possible that the real "Douglas Dunning" no longer exists, and an impostor stands in his place?

That would certainly be the con of the century. But we're not saying it's true, mind...

Despite the current court-martial hearing in which Douglas's film career is at stake, our source has informed us that Douglas has lined up major roles in the following forthcoming productions:

THE PHANTOM OF THE TELEGRAPH
THIS OLD PICKET BOOTH
I, ROBOTO (the title of which may be changed to "I, Mr. Roboto")

More information on these films will be posted as soon as we get it.

Not literally. But rumors are flying fast and furious that Our Hero Douglas is being subjected to a neo-blacklist of the kind that would shame ol' Joe in its size and scope. Especially because Douglas hates communists just as much as the senator from Wisconsin did. In fact, Douglas hates most types of people, even us, his biggest fans.

But that doesn't matter, because he has talent literally oozing from his pores, and should be the star of every movie that gets made. Unfortunately, we are being told that at least one filmmake has "banned" Douglas from appearing in his movies, for some arbitrary, incomprehensible reason.

He's probably just an anti-English bigot. Here's hoping that those connections at the FBI can get Mr. Dunning back to work and up on the screen where he belongs.

And who gets the role?

You guessed it...

DUNNING. DOUGLAS DUNNING.










April Fool.

Our sources say that Douglas has been having some high level meetings with agents of the FBI. Why? Who knows? We do know that his father was a spy, and that he has coveted the role of James Bond now taken by Daniel Craig, who will clearly be worse.

Maybe Douglas is doing research for a new role? Or perhaps engaging in another attempt to stalk us? Oh Douglas, much as it would undoubtedly satisfy, our love can never be. I am a mere mortal, and you belong to the ages.