thy will be dunning

Henry Jaglom: Lying Sack of Shit?

2006-11-12T00:44:00.000-08:00

I've been waiting over a year. Ever since the Internet Movie Database revealed that Douglas would be portraying "McDowell" in Henry Jaglom's film HOLLYWOOD DREAMS, I've been on pins and needles. Because of this film, Douglas was signed by the William Morris Agency.

So tonight I finally saw it. And wouldn't you know it, Fag-lom turned out to be worse as a director even than Hack-tanaka. For he deleted Douglas out of the movie entirely!

Now I'll never know what kind of character "McDowell" would have been. It's a Scots-Irish surname, while Douglas is English, and his ancestors conquered both. I would like to have seen what acting choices he could have made to bridge that divide.

But I never will. Worse, Faglom's movie features homosexual "marriage," a Jewish female lead who looks like Barbra Streisand, and a male lead who pretends to be "gay" so as to gain better employment. On the heels of the Republican election losses, this is just too much to take.

Since Douglas couldn't possibly have been lying about being in the movie -- the only lie he's ever told was something like "That's not my body odor, it's just my cologne!" -- I must assume that Jaglom was the liar. For shame, for shame.

Have you read what the Torah says about homosexuality, Henry?

BREAKING NEWS: Douglas goes to Jail!

2006-11-05T01:51:00.000-08:00

I know some of the rumors I've posted here have later turned out to be untrue. Nonetheless, I have good sources on this one.

Here's the complete email message from my source, "Deep Stench":

Douglas has been arrested. It seems he was pulled off the bus by police officers who considered him a suspect in a bomb threat plot. Rather than use his English charm, Douglas went the other direction and punched one of the cops in the face, so I'm told.

This got him a night in county jail, where, apparently, he was held down as a mask was placed on his face and several homosexual rapists tried to have their way with him. No word on whether or not they succeeded, but Double-D has since been released, and apparently has bruises and welts along his neck and shoulders.

If Douglas doesn't want to be suspected of being a terrorist by the notoriously racist LAPD, he should TAKE A SHOWER SOMETIME. You'd never know he was caucasian, with all the layers of dirt he's accumulated over the years.

I always thought the poor personal hygiene was consciously calculated to deter would-be rapists, but apparently it doesn't work to those ends either.

The Da Dunning Code

2006-06-23T00:46:00.000-07:00

I've been following Douglas's rather erratic myspace profile, which may or may not have been hacked by an alleged "producer," and have noticed that he (or the impostor) recently placed a slogan up there "So Dark the Con of Douglas."

Is this, like The Da Vinci Code, a clue to some deep, dark secret? I tried to make an anagram of it but the only Internet site I could find that does that says it has too many letters.

"Glass Carkoon Of Dethfoudd?" Nahh, don't think so.

Douglas has said in the past that he is a con man. We know full well that his last name really isn't "Dunning."

But how dark could his con possibly be? Certainly darker than his feeble excuses about his body odor actually being some kind of exotic cologne.

It couldn't be...could it? Is he a good enough actor to pull it off?

Is it possible that the real "Douglas Dunning" no longer exists, and an impostor stands in his place?

That would certainly be the con of the century. But we're not saying it's true, mind...

Much Ado About Dunning

2006-04-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

Despite the current court-martial hearing in which Douglas's film career is at stake, our source has informed us that Douglas has lined up major roles in the following forthcoming productions:

THE PHANTOM OF THE TELEGRAPH
THIS OLD PICKET BOOTH
I, ROBOTO (the title of which may be changed to "I, Mr. Roboto")

More information on these films will be posted as soon as we get it.

Joe McCarthy is alive and well

2006-04-10T16:27:00.000-07:00

Not literally. But rumors are flying fast and furious that Our Hero Douglas is being subjected to a neo-blacklist of the kind that would shame ol' Joe in its size and scope. Especially because Douglas hates communists just as much as the senator from Wisconsin did. In fact, Douglas hates most types of people, even us, his biggest fans.

But that doesn't matter, because he has talent literally oozing from his pores, and should be the star of every movie that gets made. Unfortunately, we are being told that at least one filmmake has "banned" Douglas from appearing in his movies, for some arbitrary, incomprehensible reason.

He's probably just an anti-English bigot. Here's hoping that those connections at the FBI can get Mr. Dunning back to work and up on the screen where he belongs.

EXCLUSIVE NEWS: Daniel Craig FIRED as James Bond

2006-04-01T05:13:00.000-08:00

And who gets the role?

You guessed it...

DUNNING. DOUGLAS DUNNING.

April Fool.

Snoop Douggie Dunning

2006-03-31T01:34:00.000-08:00

Our sources say that Douglas has been having some high level meetings with agents of the FBI. Why? Who knows? We do know that his father was a spy, and that he has coveted the role of James Bond now taken by Daniel Craig, who will clearly be worse.

Maybe Douglas is doing research for a new role? Or perhaps engaging in another attempt to stalk us? Oh Douglas, much as it would undoubtedly satisfy, our love can never be. I am a mere mortal, and you belong to the ages.

Douglas to deliver a haunting performance?

2006-03-29T03:17:00.000-08:00

This just in: rumor has it that Douglas is up for the title role in a new project entitled "The Phantom of the Television Studio." To be loosely based on gaston leroux's classic novel, it would naturally feature Douglas as a tragic hero turned murderer.

The last time a British actor played such a role, it was Gerard Butler in that musical version. Yep, he sucked. Unfortunately, we don't know if Douglas will get to sing in this new film, but we remain certain that he would be better than that Scottish hack.

And his dulcet tones would certainly increase CD soundtrack sales in a forward fashion.

Douglas is breaking our heart (and our nose)

2006-03-24T00:38:00.000-08:00

Word has gotten back to us at Dunning Fan H.Q. that Douglas is upset about our frequent remarks regarding his putrid body odor.

In fact, he's even considering legal action against us for stating the INCREDIBLY obvious (to anyone who has ever gotten within a mile of him, that is).

Never mind that we have done more for his career than anyone else. Never mind that thanks to us, Douglas has an Internet headquarters for all his fans to rally around.

No, Douglas doesn't care that we love him. He just wants to hurt us.

Then again, his overpowering stench has hurt the nasal cavities of anyone he's ever met. It's a good thing he's such a talented master thespian, to make up for his foul olfactory effect.

I Hate Brad Garrett

2006-03-11T18:43:00.000-08:00

According to the internet movie database, Brad Garrett will play the French chef in the new Pixar animated comedy Ratatouie, about a rat in a French restaurant.

The problem? Douglas was supposed to play that part!

I can see how the Pixar people might have gotten confused. Brad Garrett is tall, has a dark skin-tone that might possibly be the result of not bathing, a deep voice, and disgusting body hair. If he were to shave his head, someone squinting might conceivably mistake him for Douglas.

But can he do a French accent? I doubt it.

Can Douglas? Who cares? English accents are better.

And Douglas's Star Shines Even Brighter!

2006-02-15T11:42:00.000-08:00

Douglas has just signed on to play one of the leads in the sci-fi fantasy/adventure PROVING GROUND: From the Adventures of Captain Redlocks. Not much is known about this project other than that Douglas will be playing Cypress and the film revolves around tensions and conflict between two rival spaceships. The film is to be directed by Kevin Craft and is budgeted at $12 million. More to follow as I get it.

Where the hell was Douglas?

2006-02-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

I traveled all the way to San Francisco to meet Douglas at the world premiere of his new movie Mad Cowgirl...and I hate to fly! But it would be worth it, as teh festival had announced that the star of the movie would be in attendance.

An unpleasant surprise awaited me. When I arrived at the theater, I asked the person in the box office if Douglas's limousine had arrived yet. His response: "Who's Douglas?"

"Oh, only THE STAR OF THIS MOVIE!"
"Really? What does he look like?"
"Like a bald stinking Frankenstein, only sexier"
"Nope, haven't seen anyone like that. The girl on the poster is here, and so's the director"
"I don't give a rat's ass about that cinematic hack Hatanaka! I came here to see the star, and that's Douglas Dunning!"
"Who?"
"The guy who played the Klingon standing behind Christopher Plummer in Star trek VI!"
"Oh. Well, Walter Koenig's here!"
"I have no idea who that is. Where's Douglas?"
"Sir, are you going to buy a ticket or not?"
"Fine, I guess I will...but this is a rip-off!"

So I watched the movie, and I have to admit, it wasn't too bad. It was all about this radio announcer (Douglas) who also stars on a kung-fu TV show that's a bit like G.L.O.W., and gives advice to some hot chick (Sarah something) who eventually goes nuts and kills him, except she really doesn't. I think. You don't actually see Douglas on camera a lot, because the other actors were probably jealous of his charisma. But you hear him throughout, as he propels the story forward.

Douglas wasn't in attendance, so I left. I suspect he'd be unhappy in San Francisco anyway, because there are so many homeless people that he'd go hoarse yelling about cutting their fucking throats out.

If you're buying a Christmas tree, make it a Douglas Fir!

2005-12-18T01:21:00.000-08:00

And please, please, somebody buy Douglas some soap and deodorant. We here at DunningFan HQ just know he'd finally land that great lead role he's destined for if only his B.O. didn't scare less hale and hearty executive types.

A Douglas Christmas Card

2005-12-10T18:21:00.000-08:00

Our Hero

2005-11-20T00:47:00.000-08:00

Yeah! Who's the man?

Douglas doesn't need those stinking agents!

2005-11-16T03:48:00.000-08:00

...because he stinks to high heaven all by himself!

Anyway, Douglas has fired his incompetent agent at the William Morris agency. The final straw was when Daniel Craig got the role of James Bond instead of Douglas, who is of course the most natural choice.

Doesn't matter, though. Douglas is in negotiations with new cult sensation John S. Rad to star in a sequel to Rad's "Dangerous Men," to be tentatively titled "Dangerous Dunning."

BREAKING NEWS!!!

2005-09-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

This just in: in a major deal, Douglas has closed a deal with Excalibur Entertainment (of Las Vegas' Excalibur Hotel) to be their marketing spokesperson for all media promotions including radio commercials and television spots. His contract with the company begins October 21.

Douglas has also been offered a recurring role in the television series The West Wing.

More news as I get this but this year is shaping up as the Year of the Dunning!

Douglas on the Cartoon Network

2005-09-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

Just got word that Douglas was featured in last night's episode of Justice League Unlimited on the Cartoon Network. Did anyone see it? Comments would be appreciated.

Will Douglas one-up Orson?

2005-09-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

A reputable source has told me that Douglas has been growing out his beard and putting on a few pounds in preparation for an upcoming role where he will be reprising a character previously played by the great Orson Welles. Which character, we dont know, but there is speculation: Hank Quinlan from Touch of Evil? Jonathan Wilk from Compulsion? Perhaps Le Chiffre for the upcoming Casino Royale remake? If anyone has more information, please post it here.

Four for the Money

2005-08-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of news on Douglas projects these days. First, he's appearing in yet a THIRD movie by Gregory Hack-tanaka entitled Pain and Suffering. According to IMDB, he's top-billed and plays the hero. Could this mean redemption for the director who snubbed Markov so badly? It's co-directed by someone named Luke Y. Thompson, who also appears in the Hack's films, but according to Douglas, is not really an actor.

Speaking of Hack-tanaka, who may have to be called "Brilliant-anaka" if everything I'm hearing comes true, his second film Mad Cowgirl supposedly screened somewhere this week, and word is that Douglas is fantastic in it. I wouldn't expect anything less, of course.

The new Henry Jaglom film starring Douglas is beginning to have press screenings around town. If anyone manages to sneak in, let me know how he does.

And The Last Eve, another film starring Douglas, is set to play the New York Film and Video Festival at Laemmle's Fairfax in Los Angeles on September 29th.

It may be time to interview The Great One again soon...

Douglas to have his own booth at San Diego Comicon!!!

2005-07-01T22:32:00.000-07:00

Great news for all the faithful. The Man Called Douglas will be appearing at the annual spectacular show the week after next, where he will be selling autographed photos from his days in GLOW as Sir Miles Headlock. Unfortunately there's no mention of his appearance on the official site, but who are we to doubt the word of Dunning?

You can also get your picture taken with Douglas, a privilege previously reserved only for girls with huge racks who couldn't run away fast enough.

Douglas continues to blog on Myspace.com, or so someone would like us to believe. I find it hard to believe that he knows how to type, let alone gain access to a computer, so it probably isn't really him. But it seems accurate from what I've read.

A Special Day

2005-06-10T18:35:00.000-07:00

Today is Douglas's birthday, let us wish him a good one.

Douglas rocks, Trek Today sucks

2005-04-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

Star Trek fan site Trek Today posted a scoop from the one and only Douglas Dunning. It reads as follows:

"Walter Koenig (Pavel Chekov) recently completed filming on Mad Cowgirl, an independent drama film that the IMDB described as dealing with a woman dying of a brain disorder who begins a surreal journey which descends into violence. Koenig played Pastor Dylan, the male lead role. The film is expected to be completed in time for film festivals early next year. Thanks go out to Douglas Dunning for this!"

While I'm happy to see The Man Called Douglas get his due, there are a few things wrong here.

Most notably, how can an alleged Star Trek fan site print Douglas's name without recognizing his masterful performance as a background Klingon in Star Trek VI? Some Trekkies these are!

Also, it should go without saying that Walter Koenig is not the male lead. Douglas is.

The Return of Markov!!!

2005-04-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

Rumour has it that The Man Called Dunning has reprised his role as Dmitri Markov in the new film MAD COWGIRL. You'll recall his scenes as the suave Russian character were unjustifiably excised from UNTIL THE NIGHT.

I can't wait to hear more of "vat eees dis??"

AAAAAHHHH! HOLY SHIT!

2005-03-31T23:58:00.000-08:00

The scariest thing I have ever seen:

HERE

(do not click with a mouthful of food or drink)

Bloody Mick Day

2005-03-17T11:40:00.000-08:00

Let the stupid paddies revel in their drunkenness today. It only took them some 800 years to get away from the British Empire, and the UK still owns the north.

And aside from that silly Clint Eastwood movie, I haven't heard anyone speaking Gaelic recently.

Ireland produces terrorists. England produced Douglas. Game, set and match.

A new homepage for Douglas

2005-03-17T11:35:00.000-08:00

A friend pointed me towards this profile page for Douglas at Myspace.com. It certainly sounds like him, but I'm suspicious -- Douglas doesn't own a computer, let alone know how to use the internet.

So far it seems like a good tribute, though, and will help spread the Gospel of Dunning.

Be Fooled

2005-03-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

I went out the other night to see "Be Cool," the John Travolta movie with a total lie of a title. I thought that since it was about being cool, there would be English people in it, since their the coolest people around.

That didn't happen. But what did happen was even worse. Amidst a cast of so-called famous people, there was one key role filled by a no-name, playing...a bald Russina mobster who looks dirty, smells bad, makes lots of threats and gets his ass kicked when he tries to break the law.

WHY, HOLLYWOOD, WHY? Why would you hire a no-name for this part when there's a man who's so perfect for it? This is how the character of Dmitri Markov was supposed to be in UNTIL THE NIGHT before Hack-tanaka short-changed him. This role should have gone to The Man Called Douglas!

Grrr. I could vomit. Fucking lowlifes.

Some Exciting News!

2005-02-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

So it's official: Douglas has signed with the William Morris Agency as one of their lead clients. It appears that he is set to appear in an AT&T and Samuel Adams commercial. No word yet on when MISS CASTAWAY is to be released, but Douglas has confirmed through a source that his new film MAD COWGIRL is well under way in production and that he is "quite excited" in his own words. Could this be the year of The Man Called Douglas?

The Death Merchant

2005-02-15T17:17:00.000-08:00

Apparently this movie stars Douglas, Has anyone seen it?

The video cover can be seen at http://www.fragrancendvd.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=110

Douglas is mad?

2005-02-15T00:22:00.000-08:00

Gregory Hatanaka has swindled Douglas again. First it was short-changing the brilliant character of Dmitri Markov in "Until the Night," now it's bait and switch. After signing Douglas to play the male lead in his new movie "No Regrets," Hack-tanaka repeatedly changed his mind about that respectable movie title, offering a series of inane new changes culminating in...

"Mad Cowgirl."

No doubt he was inspired by Douglas's old career in G.L.O.W. to come up with such an idiotic name. Douglas is of course a gentleman of his word, and will not bail on the project even though it's been dumbed down in such fashion.

Rumor has it that Douglas's love scene with female lead Sarah Lassez has been deleted from the script, in favor of one from our old nemesis Norman Weedus. Needless to say, he has no idea how to do a love scene, and could use some instruction from the master.

So how about it, Norman? Let Douglas show you how to please a woman!

Also we hear that Walter "Mr. Chekov" Koenig is in the movie, best known for being upstaged by Douglas in Star Trek VI. Naturally, his fake Russian accent is no match for Douglas's.

"VHAT IS DISS?"

Douglas goes Big-Time Hollywood

2005-02-11T21:41:00.000-08:00

This just in: with the apparent help of director Henry Jaglom, Douglas has just signed on with the William Morris Agency. More news as I get it.

Douglas goes on a jag

2004-12-13T02:29:00.000-08:00

Douglas has apparently been cast in a new film written and directed by art house auteur Henry Jaglom. The tentative working title is "Why Hollywood Hates Older Women (Especially My Wife)" and will star Jaglom's wife Victoria Foyt as an older actress who doesn;t get any good roles. Douglas will play the male lead, a bald director in a felt hat who makes endless movies about his wife when no-one else will.

I'm back...but hiding

2004-12-13T02:20:00.000-08:00

Many thousands of pardons for the lack of posts in the past month. Douglas very nearly discovered my true identity, so it became essential to lie low for a while.

Also there hasn't been a whole lot of news to report. But now things seem to be happening for Our English Hero:

- He appears in The Last Eve, a film by Young Man Kang. There's a trailer up at youngmankang.com, and Douglas can be glimpsed briefly in the scene where the TV is split into four quadrants. It appears his character is also named "Douglas Dunning," and is a TV news anchorman. You can bet he won't have the standard MSM liberal bias!

- Reportedly, the cardboard box in which DD was living proved insufficient during the recent cold spell in Loss Angeles, but fortunately he managed to find an industrial size refrigerator at the city dump, large enough for his majestic frame.

- Douglas is currently in the running for a major speaking role in Pixar's next cartoon; and for Ming the Merciless in Universal's new Flash Gordon remake opposite Ashton Kutcher; and is even a contender for the role of Lex Luthor in Bryan Singer's new Superman picture.

- In spite of the way he got royally shafted by Gregory Hatanaka in Until the Night, Douglas, for some reason, is continuing to work with that hack on a new project called Ambushes From 17 Sides. It seems the condition of Douglas's castign was that he be made the male lead this time around, and it looks like that might actually happen.

- Douglas was recently diagnosed with narcolepsy, but we've always said that he could out-act most any so-called star in his sleep. That's still true.

- Don't be fooled by the DVD in stores now that sports a large "DD" logo on the cover. I bought it thinking it was a tribute to Douglas, but it's actually some gay fetish movie starring Ben Affleck.

D. Dunning to make Appearance Tomorrow Night

2004-11-04T19:35:00.000-08:00

A reputable source tells me that "DD" as he calls himself now will be making an appearance at the Nuart's midnight show screening tomorrow of the DISCO DOLLS IN HOT SKIN IN 3-DIMENSION, a chic porn film from the 1970s starring John Holmes. Apparently, he will be there to distribute the special 3-D spectacles and to sign autographs. I'll try to send our "mole" there to take photos which will be posted on this site.

Some anagrams of "Douglas Dunning"

2004-09-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

A Sodding Lug Nun
A Dud's Lunging On
A Dingo Dun Slung
Dad Gluing Nouns
Dad Gunning Soul
Addling Guns Uno
Adding Slug Noun
Donald Using Gnu
Loading Dung Sun
Undo Suing Gland
Dang Dung In Soul
Gonads Guild Nun
Unsung Laid Dong
Auld Nudging Ons
Anus Dung Ding Lo
As Odd Gluing Nun
USA Nodding Lung

Shaken, not stirred...or I'll cut your fucking throat!

2004-09-25T01:55:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot of talk going around lately as to who will be the next James Bond. Pierce Brosnan has said he's done, and rumored successors include Hugh Jackman, Dougray Scott, and Eric Bana.

Problem: NONE OF THEM ARE ENGLISH! Okay, technically Brosnan was Irish, but his natural accent is English, so that counts. Jackoff and Banana are Australian, and Scott, is, well, a Scott, and a less comprehensible one than Sean Connery.

There is, however, one perfect candidate for the job, and he works cheap.

It's Douglas Dunning.

Oh, come on, why not? Because he's bald? So was Connery, long before he acknowledged it. Because he's old? Roger Moore was old in A View to a Kill, and that didn't stop him from nailing Grace Jones and knocking Christopher Walken off a bridge.

Because he smells bad? Just buy him some cologne that's more expensive than the crap he wears now. And his teeth? Jerry Bruckheimer spent big bucks to fix Ben Affleck's teeth for Armageddon; surely Cubby Broccoli can do likewise. Don't think he's in shape? Again I give you Roger Moore.

Think about it -- who else can suavely charm hot babes like Sybil Danning while simultaneously making ruthless threats towards evildoers...and their answering machines? Who else is utterly convinced that England is still the world's greatest superpower? Who else could cleverly infiltrate the KGB with his note-perfect Dmitri Markov accent?

Dunning. Douglas Dunning.

And if not, at least cast him as M, or Q, or James Bond's dad. Box office gold, guaranteed.

Roles I'd like to see Douglas play...

2004-09-20T16:45:00.000-07:00

Sweeney Todd
The Golem
Lex Luthor
Frankenstein
Colossus in X-Men 3
Gordon Gekko in a remake of Wall Street
Dr. Zaius

Who or what would you like to see Douglas play?

Douglas to go CGI?

2004-09-20T16:43:00.000-07:00

Rumor is Douglas may be in talks with a certain studio known for computer-generated family flicks, possibly to voice a major character in an upcoming production.

No truth to the rumor that "Monsters, Inc." was based upon Douglas in any way.

Douglas Appearance

2004-09-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

Douglas will be appearing tomorrow night at the Nuart for their midnight screening of WILD AT HEART. He'll be there to introduce actress Grace Zabriskie. Sarah Lassez, who is Douglas's co-star in UNTIL THE NIGHT will also be in attendance.

Douglas in a Miramax-commisioned short

2004-09-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

Here's the popular Miramax-commmisioned Oscar night party short by which Harvey Weinstein personally hired Douglas to do the voiceover for the Gandalf the Shrink character.

Douglas's Oscar Short

As Promised

2004-08-29T15:18:00.000-07:00

I found the official website for HORIZONICA. They don't have a formal cast list on there yet, so no word on what Douglas's role might be. However, there is an interview with Lloyd Kaufman, who makes a guest appearance in the picture, and that interview mentions that Douglas was also in the Kaufman-produced FERTILIZE THE BLASPHEMING BOMBSHELL.

And The Man is Constantly in Demand............

2004-08-27T16:08:00.000-07:00

Just got word from a reputable source that Douglas is set to start in a new Dutch horror film entitled HORIZONICA. More news on this film to follow as I get it. Did anyone else attend the screening of Until the Night last night? Rumor has it that Douglas might have appeared in his elderly lady disguise.

Until the SUCK!!!!

2004-08-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

I am so mad right now.

Tears of rage are streaming down my cheeks. How could they? How could he?

UNTIL THE NIGHT was supposed to be the story of Dmitri Markov, portrayed by the greatest actor ever born, Douglas Dunning.

Instead, it's about some stupid kids who like to get drunk. As I'm long past those libidinal years, I seek cerebral pursuits in my entertainment, and I had assumed that a picture featuring Mr. Dunning would offer them.

But no. Douglas appears only briefly, and from behind, so we never even get to feast upon his craggy good looks. The one bit of information I was not lied to about is that he still says "Vhat ees DEES?", and it's possibly the greatest moment in cinematic history.

Yet all we see of Double-D is glassware being smashed over his head by some punk whippersnapper. That isn't right.

There is a scene late in the movie where the drunk guy who's now the star of the thing checks his answering machine messages, and they're all from this blonde chick who tells him to pick up the phone or she'll kill him. Being generous to writer/director Gregory Hatanaka, I could make the case that this scene was inspired by Douglas and his unconventional phone etiquette. Only the chick who leaves the messages isn't bald or seven feet tall, nor does she live in Glendale as far as I can tell.

To add insult to injury, Douglas isn't even billed as Dmitri Markov in the credits. He's simply referred to as "Fighter." Fighter? Dmitri is a cerebral character, you cads! He doesn't need to fight!

Shame on you, Gregory Hatanaka. Shame on you and your movie for dismissing the greatest screen talent of our age. I weep for your soul. Millennia from now, no-one will remember Norman Weedus. But the name of Dunning shall outlast the history of the human race.

Reminder: UNTIL THE NIGHT tonight

2004-08-26T01:08:00.001-07:00

It has been cofirmed that Douglas is still banned from the Egyptian theatre in Hollywood. Therefore, he will not be attending the Los Angeles premiere of the movie he stars in.

Come see it anyway, at 7:30 p.m. Schedule permitting, I will attend and review for this site.

One of Douglas' ancestors?

2004-08-26T01:08:00.000-07:00

There's definitely a resemblance.

CHECK IT OUT

"I promise you more fun and excitement than a three-ring CIRCUIT! HA HA HA HA! "

2004-08-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

Denny Burkholder at Wrestleline.com has an amazing transcription of a classic Douglas moment from G.L.O.W.

"We open the show with our host, SIR MILES HEADLOCK ('Ma-Ma-Miles'), the 'world's first computerized wrestling commentator.' Neon beams race past him in the background. He's wearing a cheesy bowtie, plaid shirt and suit coat, and has plastic yellow hair. Yep, he's a Max Headroom rip-off. And not only does HE laugh at his own jokes, but GLOW goes the extra mile and adds a laugh track. Because you know, WE can't be trusted to know when we're supposed to laugh.

'As a matter of fact, my whole family is computerized, including my big brother and my trans-sister! HA HA HA HA! (Canned laughter) In this age of advanced technology, it is only natural that GLOW has chosen me to serve as your announcer. And I promise you more fun and excitement than a three-ring CIRCUIT! HA HA HA HA! (Canned laughter) I have a very extensive background in sports. My old girlfriend was a scoreboard. (Canned laughter) But what can you expect from a computer date! HA HA HA HA! (Canned laughter) Joining me for today's matches is MISS SPIRIT.' (Camera pans back to show Miss Spirit)

'Sir Miles, you can call me Susie!'
'I see.'
'Not 'I see,' SUSIE.'
'Oh, say?'
'Not so, SUE. See?'
'Yes. Say, Sue, so you see, I see Susie? HA HA HA HA!'
'By George, I think he's got it!'
'As you can see so, Susie, we have a very 'spirited' show today.'
'With 'MILES' to go!'
'Oh, so?'
'Are you gonna start that again?'
'I shouldn't say so, Sue.'
Good. Because you see, if I see you say 'Oh so, I see' or so, I'LL SUE!' (Canned laughter) 'Good-bye!' (Miles evaporates) 'How do you like that? He didn't even say 'So see you soon, Sue.' That so-and-so!' (Canned laughter)

What should we fans of Douglas Dunning call ourselves?

2004-08-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

We need a cool name, like "dittoheads."

Here are some suggestions:

Snoop Dougie Doggs

Dig-Dougs

Dunning Beetles

Over and Dunnings

Double-D Devotees

Dougie Fresh Crew (probably a bad idea -- the words "fresh" and "Douglas Dunning" are practically antonyms)

The Doug Pound

Feel free to add your own in the comments section. I'll pick one soon.

Bizarre, Max Headroom-ish photo of Douglas

2004-08-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know that Douglas used to be on "GLOW: Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling" in the role of Sir Miles Headlock. Many of you younger Douglas-ites (we have to think of a better name for Douglas fans than that; Dunning-beetles, maybe?) won't have been alive for this, but we found a picture.

CHECK IT OUT!

(Obviously, he's the one on the left)

A picture of Douglas in Las Vegas

2004-08-22T12:13:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of "lytrules"

CLICK HERE

Hear Douglas pitching long-distance phone service (Quicktime audio file)

2004-08-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

CLICK HERE

Douglas appearing in a pro-nudist movie

2004-08-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

Check out the official site HERE. No word on whether or not he actually bares all.

My Imaginary Interview With Douglas

2004-08-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

Because I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder and Tourette’s -- FUCK! -- I take a lot of meds and can’t be entirely sure that what I am about to relate really happened. But sometime after I took a few pills too many and collapsed into a fever dream, I seem to recall picking up the phone and calling Douglas. Certainly it sounded like Douglas. But so do many of the voices -- SHIT! -- in my head.

douglasrules: Hello, Douglas, how are you?

Douglas Dunning: What? Who is this? I’ll do nudity, but it won’t come cheap! Oh all right, cheap.

douglasrules: It’s me, your number one fan!

DD: Christopher! Sorry I couldn’t make your 80th birthday, old chap. How did you like working with that bloody idiot George Lucas?

douglasrules: No, this isn’t Christopher Lee. It’s me, douglasrules, from the Internet.

DD: Internet? What in blazes is that?

douglasrules: It’s this invention that those of us who aren’t homeless like to use sometimes.

DD: What? How dare you? I’ll have you know I used to live in a penthouse suite at a popular Las Vegas hotel!

douglasrules: I know. I’m your number one fan. But how come you’re so poor and yet also a right-wing conservative?

DD: Why, because Ronald Reagan won the Cold War, of course! He kept threatening to bomb people, and they finally gave in! My kind of man.

douglasrules: Oh, sorta like when you threatened to bomb the Cinematheque?

DD: Excuse me! I did not!

douglasrules: Yes you did, you said that when you got done with it it wouldn’t be left standing.

DD: That’s not a threat, that’s a warning!

douglasrules: What’s the difference?

DD: Yeees, heh heh. Typical bloody American. Shades of meaning elude you. It’s our language -- don’t forget that.

douglasrules: Okay, well I guess I should interview you about your film career or something.

DD: Dino de Laurentiis likes me, you know. He’s going to cast me in Baz Luhrman’s Alexander the Great.

douglasrules: As what, the elephant?

DD: I don’t know. He can put me in whatever damn role he likes.

douglasrules: I see. So when you were in Miss Cast Away, did you ever work directly with Michael Jackson?

DD: WHAT?

douglasrules: Michael Jackson. Did you do any scenes with him?

DD: Did I WHAT?

douglasrules: DID YOU DO ANY SCENES WITH MICHAEL JACKSON?

DD: Oh no, he was on a different soundstage.

douglasrules: That’s a shame.

DD: I don’t know about that. That fellow’s weird and frightening.

douglasrules: Indeed. I don’t know anyone else who could fit that description.

DD: Why don’t you ask me about all the lovely ladies I’ve bedded? Like Eating Raoul star Mary Woronov. For a while, she was eating ME, heh heh...

douglasrules: Augh! Dammit, just thinking about that made me drop my cell in disgust. Hold on...

DD: Pick up the damn phone!

douglasrules: Okay, chill, chill...

DD: I thought I was trying to help you, but nooooo

douglasrules: There, got it. Just don’t gross me out again.

DD: If straight sex grosses you out, you must be gay!

douglasrules: Only for you, Douglas.

DD: Well, in that case you’ll be dead.

douglasrules: Consider me warned.

DD: No, no. Threatened.

douglasrules: So who are you dating now?

DD: Amanda Bynes.

douglasrules: The teen star?

DD: Yes. Turned her down 8 times, but then I saw “What a Girl Wants” and learned she’s descended from English aristocracy. Much like me. Only I want a girl, heh heh.

douglasrules: Don’t go there. So are you teaching her to have a cool accent like yours?

DD: Indeed. I’m teaching her to enunciate. First, I put my cock in her mouth....

douglasrules: AAAAAAAAUGH! NOOOOO! Crap, I dropped the phone again.

DD: PICK UP THE GODDAMN PHONE! I’LL CUT YOUR FUCKING THROAT!

douglasrules: Got it. Easy, Douglas. Why would you threaten me like that?

DD: That wasn’t a threat.

douglasrules: Yes it was.

DD: No it wasn’t. It was a loving term of endearment.

douglasrules: NO! You don’t tell people you love that you’re going to cut their throats!

DD: You don’t? (pause) Ohhhhhh. I wish I’d known that sooner.

douglasrules: And anyway, I’m not afraid of you. The last time you tried to be tough, you got your ass kicked by grocery store employees. And it was during the strike, so they were probably scabs too.

DD: Indeed. I’m suing them for a million pounds.

douglasrules: Dollars. What will you buy if you win?

DD: You mean when I win, oh yes. I’m going to get a new cardboard box, one I can actually fit inside.

douglasrules: Wait, I thought you said you weren’t homeless?

DD: Of course I’m not homeless! If I were homeless I couldn’t very well be living in a cardboard box, now could I? That’s what you call a home, silly man!

douglasrules: Is that why you smell so bad?

DD: No, that’s my cologne. Ted Nugent #5.

douglasrules: Ted Nugent doesn’t make cologne. He sells deer piss to hunters.

DD: Ohhh. No wonder it smells so manly.

douglasrules: It’s female deer piss. Designed to attract males.

DD: That explains why women run from me like the plague.

douglasrules: Yes, I’m certain that’s the only reason. But back to the lawsuit -- how can you afford the lawyer?

DD: It’s pro bono. The lawyer’s a woman, you see, and she’s very pro MY bone-

douglasrules: [click!]

UNTIL THE NIGHT, starring Douglas, to play the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood Aug. 26

2004-08-15T00:30:00.000-07:00

UNTIL THE NIGHT, directed by Gregory "pick up the damn phone!" Hatanaka, is the story of Russian mobster Dmitri Markov (Douglas, of course!), who beats up on some stupid drunk writer (Norman Reedus, nowhere near the acting talent Douglas is). I haven't seen the movie yet, but apparently, the highlight is when Douglas yells out, "Vhat ees DEES?" It's the catchphrase of the new millennium, and you heard it here first.

Also some other actors are in it, like Sean Young, Kathleen Robertson, and Michael T. Weiss. But they're not English, bronze-skinned, or seven feet tall, so who cares?

Here's hoping the Egyptian rescinds its moronic anti-Douglas discrimination rule so that the star can show up to meet his many adoring fans.

Dunning & Jack Palance

2004-07-30T23:36:00.000-07:00

Incidentally, this photo was shot moments before Douglas's eternal banishment from the American Cinematheque/Egyptian Theater

NOTE: This photo was too big for the blog template, but you can see it by clicking HERE

With Dario Argento

2004-07-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

Dunning & Sir Christopher Lee

2004-07-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

These two are like blood brothers. Rumor has it Christopher actually taught Douglas how to speak when the latter was a mere babe.

Douglas & Sybil Danning

2004-07-30T23:23:00.000-07:00

You can tell she wants him. But then again, doesn't every chick?

Douglas & Mary Woronov

2004-07-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

Douglas claims to have dated this "Eating Raoul" star, and who are we to doubt the studly powers of Dunning?

I actually overheard him say, "Yesss, well, now she's eating ME!" Ewwwww. You're the greatest, Mr. D., but that's too much info. Besides, I'd rather imagine you chaste.

Nuart midnight movie tonight: "UHF"

2004-07-30T17:11:00.000-07:00

Go to enjoy Weird Al, and drop me a line if you catch sight of Weird Douglas.

Dunning's New Film

2004-07-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

Just received word that Douglas has a role in a new film starting production in August entitled NO REGRETS. Any further information anyone has on this film would be appreciated.

Douglas's Headshot & Credits

2004-07-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

http://www.hollywoodsuccess.com/douglas_dunning.htm

Nuart midnight movie tonight

2004-07-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

I can't remember what it is, but it's a safe bet Douglas will be there, sitting near the front and/or possibly presenting the film.

If you attend, please report!

Pick up the Damn Phone!

2004-07-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

Excerpts from Douglas's infamous phone call can be heard on this very odd short film. Check out "The Battle for Independence" short on www.pointcomma.net

Attention Deficit Disorder Man

2004-07-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

Check out some of Douglas's voice-over work in THIS FLASH ANIMATION. He plays an evil cartoon cow who kills people with anthrax.

Though the film doesn't say as much, it sounds as though the exasperated grunts of the cow's first victim are also Douglas.

Fantastic stuff, as usual.

Douglas famous in Germany

2004-07-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

Forget Hasselhoff. And don't forget to rate Douglas's sex appeal and charisma at the bottom of the page!

DOUGLAS Sighting this Thursday

2004-07-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

The Man Called Douglas will be present at the John Landis DVD signing of Schlock at Rocket Video this Thursday, 730pm. As I won't be able to attend the event, I would appreciate if anyone in attendance that night can give a recount of the events as to Douglas's demeanor, dress, and as many other details as possible.

2004-07-13T02:25:00.000-07:00

The man himself, a god among humans, Douglas Dunning.

Greetings fans...

2004-07-13T02:20:00.000-07:00

The web now has a voice for Douglas' myriad fans.